Some days back I realised that I have crossed 40. ( Though I had been pending this realisation for a long time only with a hope that I will stay younger)
My estimates of my likelihood of staying alive and kicking are very optimistic and I presumed it would be at least 65 years to 70 that I can pull along. I understand that this is no impressive a figure as there are many who live to the ripe age of 8o and plus. But given my family history I would stick to my estimates.
Given that I have crossed 40 now so that meant that I am left with less than what I have passed already. Now that's quite a disturbing thing because once I look back it all appears to be a very small time.
This has been my dilemma for quite some time now and whenever I try to go to sleep this thought haunts me that I am left with even a lesser time than what I have already spent. And when I look back I see many things that I believe I would like to do before I die.
I had a dream of my funeral and it was not a very pleasant episode. I kept on thinking and building on the thought as my mind was struck on it. So it kept on going. I found out that I would be shrouded in a white cloth that will be very modest and will have no brand on it. It will be the plain variety that everybody gets in the market and nothing special about it. Despite of my dislike to this ordinariness I have to stay on this course as there are no varieties of Shrouds available in the market and second at that time nobody will ask me. Even if some one does ask me I will not be able to respond.
I visualised that it will be a big crowd of the mourners but when I tried to visualise a bit closely I could find out many of my great acquaintances not present as they would have pressing meetings and indispensable businesses to attend to. However many of them have shown kindness and sent in Bouquets and flowers to be placed on my grave.
I thought people will be crying at the great loss that the world and the humanity will face when I am gone. But I am seeing nothing of that sort. Rather those who are present are busy on there iphones, Blackberries or chatting with each other and looking at their watches impatiently.
I expected people will be talking about the great service that I have rendered to the humanity by the ground breaking charitable work in the field of education and facilities for the disabled. But I realised they are not; because unfortunately I have died now instead of another 20 or so years later and I was unable to start on all the plans that I had in this field. Alas these people do not know my plans and also they have nothing to see on this count.
I expected people to talk about the great books that I have written. But again these books were in my plans only yet I never thought of devoting time to those at this part of my life.
Really this funeral is turning out to be an embarrassment. It is not close to what I had been expecting.
Further my sons have gotten my grave dug in the community grave yard, it is an ordinary grave without any temperature control or other amenities.
The tomb stone gives out my name and also a list of all those social and economic positions that I held so dearly in my life. But the grave yard is full of Tomb stones, nobody in my funeral is giving any attention to all those lists that people have inscribed on their stones. What a shame !!, I presume they will at least read my list of achievements. Although I do not remember doing the same at other funerals... I am trying to remember what I had read on other tomb stones in my life. I remember nothing.
And now they have started to place me in the grave. I am trying to cry after remembering all those who I loved but didn't have enough time to tell them so. I could see the faces of my children saddened by the loss. I want to tell them how much I yearned to play with them but I never did that in my life. At this moment I want to give them one last justification that I was too busy to give them time !!
I thought about the money that will be left in many of the banks that I have my accounts in. I wanted to donate something to certain causes that I thought I believed in. But now nobody is ready to present my own cheque books in front of me where I can write cheques as per my wishes.
My wife who I wanted to tell how much I have enjoyed the company and the care. But I remember always not finding proper moment to do that. I wanted to thank my ageing mother for all the sacrifice she has done for me. But I always found that to be a low priority under the burden of pressing commitments.
Though I always had a list of to do things ready and my organisers and calenders told me what I had to do. But I realise now that the things on my list were different. Unfortunately none of those things I am thinking about now. They were about meetings, dinners, investments. None of these are required any more. Even the meetings that were on the list when I died; all have proceeded but without me. Some have been delayed till my funeral but will be held again with some one else in my place.
What an agony, this all has played out to be just opposite to what I have expected it to be. All the life I spent meant so little to the world and now at the twilight of this all I find myself one amongst the billions that are either living or dead . I am leaving without making any difference; What difference could I have made? But I am leaving unsung, as people do not find anything extra ordinary about me and my life to talk about after my day of funeral.
Do they not see my cars, may bank balance and my degrees. But I know they see poeple with even bigger , expensive cars, more money and better degrees and ranks. They really do not care.
I have spent my life on the very ordinary and mundane to earn and collect for myself and my family.
They would have remembered me if I had earned and collected for the humanity and done at least half of what I have been planning. I had been postponing till the next day thinking that life will give me a lot more time. But the life doesn't.!!
Though this is a train of thought which I cannot escape even if I try to. But this is the reality also.
If I die today I would not leave behind a legacy any better than other billions and will soon be forgotten.
Are you doing something better to leave behind a lasting memory??
My estimates of my likelihood of staying alive and kicking are very optimistic and I presumed it would be at least 65 years to 70 that I can pull along. I understand that this is no impressive a figure as there are many who live to the ripe age of 8o and plus. But given my family history I would stick to my estimates.
Given that I have crossed 40 now so that meant that I am left with less than what I have passed already. Now that's quite a disturbing thing because once I look back it all appears to be a very small time.
This has been my dilemma for quite some time now and whenever I try to go to sleep this thought haunts me that I am left with even a lesser time than what I have already spent. And when I look back I see many things that I believe I would like to do before I die.
I had a dream of my funeral and it was not a very pleasant episode. I kept on thinking and building on the thought as my mind was struck on it. So it kept on going. I found out that I would be shrouded in a white cloth that will be very modest and will have no brand on it. It will be the plain variety that everybody gets in the market and nothing special about it. Despite of my dislike to this ordinariness I have to stay on this course as there are no varieties of Shrouds available in the market and second at that time nobody will ask me. Even if some one does ask me I will not be able to respond.
I visualised that it will be a big crowd of the mourners but when I tried to visualise a bit closely I could find out many of my great acquaintances not present as they would have pressing meetings and indispensable businesses to attend to. However many of them have shown kindness and sent in Bouquets and flowers to be placed on my grave.
I thought people will be crying at the great loss that the world and the humanity will face when I am gone. But I am seeing nothing of that sort. Rather those who are present are busy on there iphones, Blackberries or chatting with each other and looking at their watches impatiently.
I expected people will be talking about the great service that I have rendered to the humanity by the ground breaking charitable work in the field of education and facilities for the disabled. But I realised they are not; because unfortunately I have died now instead of another 20 or so years later and I was unable to start on all the plans that I had in this field. Alas these people do not know my plans and also they have nothing to see on this count.
I expected people to talk about the great books that I have written. But again these books were in my plans only yet I never thought of devoting time to those at this part of my life.
Really this funeral is turning out to be an embarrassment. It is not close to what I had been expecting.
Further my sons have gotten my grave dug in the community grave yard, it is an ordinary grave without any temperature control or other amenities.
The tomb stone gives out my name and also a list of all those social and economic positions that I held so dearly in my life. But the grave yard is full of Tomb stones, nobody in my funeral is giving any attention to all those lists that people have inscribed on their stones. What a shame !!, I presume they will at least read my list of achievements. Although I do not remember doing the same at other funerals... I am trying to remember what I had read on other tomb stones in my life. I remember nothing.
And now they have started to place me in the grave. I am trying to cry after remembering all those who I loved but didn't have enough time to tell them so. I could see the faces of my children saddened by the loss. I want to tell them how much I yearned to play with them but I never did that in my life. At this moment I want to give them one last justification that I was too busy to give them time !!
I thought about the money that will be left in many of the banks that I have my accounts in. I wanted to donate something to certain causes that I thought I believed in. But now nobody is ready to present my own cheque books in front of me where I can write cheques as per my wishes.
My wife who I wanted to tell how much I have enjoyed the company and the care. But I remember always not finding proper moment to do that. I wanted to thank my ageing mother for all the sacrifice she has done for me. But I always found that to be a low priority under the burden of pressing commitments.
Though I always had a list of to do things ready and my organisers and calenders told me what I had to do. But I realise now that the things on my list were different. Unfortunately none of those things I am thinking about now. They were about meetings, dinners, investments. None of these are required any more. Even the meetings that were on the list when I died; all have proceeded but without me. Some have been delayed till my funeral but will be held again with some one else in my place.
What an agony, this all has played out to be just opposite to what I have expected it to be. All the life I spent meant so little to the world and now at the twilight of this all I find myself one amongst the billions that are either living or dead . I am leaving without making any difference; What difference could I have made? But I am leaving unsung, as people do not find anything extra ordinary about me and my life to talk about after my day of funeral.
Do they not see my cars, may bank balance and my degrees. But I know they see poeple with even bigger , expensive cars, more money and better degrees and ranks. They really do not care.
I have spent my life on the very ordinary and mundane to earn and collect for myself and my family.
They would have remembered me if I had earned and collected for the humanity and done at least half of what I have been planning. I had been postponing till the next day thinking that life will give me a lot more time. But the life doesn't.!!
Though this is a train of thought which I cannot escape even if I try to. But this is the reality also.
If I die today I would not leave behind a legacy any better than other billions and will soon be forgotten.
Are you doing something better to leave behind a lasting memory??
It is true we don't realize how quickly time passes by. Still cant reconcile wit the fact that we are over 40 now seems like time has flown by in a flash.
ReplyDeleteThank you for re-drawing our attention to an extremely important aspect of our lives. Regards.
ReplyDelete